Too tired to retype my 20 bullet points, so all you have to do is imagine ^
Google tells me that Tipo and Mec make millions playing soccer and I will get drugged to death by my own family, while I’m doing the Special Olympics.
Photo Post from Nov 23rd 2012.
I didn’t really climb up on the power lines. This was Photoshop. My community support worker Kelly saw it on Facebook and thought it was real; she was like about to have me emergency admitted or something, as if parkour is a symptom of mental illness anyway. I’m glad I deleted my Facebook.
I’m off my shot right now as I write this and I’m perfectly fine. I’m even a little bit on the bored side, as opposed to the wild positive symptoms that I only experienced over 14 years ago when I was first diagnosed.
November to May, I was only taking a monthly 300 mg. extended Abilify Maintena injection which is actually pretty small for someone my size.
I do know that I’m off meds (the monthly shot), because my prescriber nurse told me it would be out of my system right now. She also refused to taper me off the shot and says I need to get another provider to taper me off it. So now I’m getting another psychiatrist; maybe I’ll get a doctor instead of a nurse this time.
I assure you there is no stereotypical “I’m feeling well; I don’t need meds.” in my case. If anything, it’s “I feel terrible on meds; I need off them!”
With 33 years experience: I know my brain better than you and better than anyone with a doctorate for treating the uncontrollable mental illness, said doctor who only sees me 5 minutes a month (my brain! mine!). I’ve been off meds for years and a time, and I’ve been fine as long as I avoid my triggers (not addiction triggers) and my therapist Doug says my trigger is my dad and my brothers (in certain amounts). For instance, my dad’s Hoarders/zoo-cage of a house makes me instantly depressed, and the only way to clean it, is to drag it all out to the curb on the once-monthly trash day, or else take it out back and burn it (he’s actually burned more furniture and trash than I ever have out there in the sticks), and he also gets verbally aggressive at me at any random time. My real trigger is coffee and Diet Mtn. Dew, and not sleeping. I will be wise to avoid these things.
I’m a broken vinyl record, but I’m practicing/beautifying a speech I need to get me off meds. Broken records don’t get better and more elegant with repetition.
This is a screenshot of the August 12th, 2013 Columbus Telegram – cached website
So it turns out Columbus Telegram, falsely reported my Mental Health Board EPC (Emergency Protective Custody warrant) as an arrest warrant.
(the difference: arrested is when you are doing something illegal!)
I was EPC’d because I stopped seeing my doctor. He actually refused to see me because I wasn’t going to take my shot, and he refused to taper me off it. I have to see a doctor for my outpatient commitment.
Columbus Telegram, you’re paying off my credit cards… (me as Trump)
For the record: I’ve never been in prison nor jail, and I’ve never been arrested. I’ve been in a lot of locked hospitals, but that’s for my diagnosed illness and treating it; not a crime and punishment.
I found this when I googled my own name again. (I gotta keep tabs on some old cyberbullies spreading the phrase “hurf durf, it’s jake jilg” and I want to catfish them.)
I’ve known the yo-yo weight since 2006, and it’s always only when on antipsychotics. I also know my natural brain chemistry. I’m not thinking the same on these involuntary psychotropics. I need to take my life back.
My mom was depressed because she drank. I hate alcohol. I’m depressed because I’m forced to take the chemical equivalent, neuroleptic antipsychotic medications. (Google dopamine imbalance theory, invented by a hog farmer)
To heck with my body at this point. I just want my mind back. Then my body might come back after some work, with extra flab, same as always. Or else… Or else what? What? That’s what. What? A cartoon? Yes, I’ll make more cartoons.
I’m not really religious anymore, but I lay in bed, late at night, and try to meditate on stopping my life, willing myself dead, praying to God or Jesus or whatever that I can finally call it quits on existence.
I never gave consent to exist in the first place.
Life is doing life.
I think people should go extinct because they are philosophical zombies who create a life without knowing the meaning of life.
Right now, I’ve decided to pray this “kill me” message to my computer, because the computer is the source of my almost everything and all knowledge/wisdom.
The goal: die in my sleep and I never know about it. Awesome. Soon! Anytime soon?
I’m too tired to spell all this out elegantly.
sitting at the computer…
because it’s the only major thrill in my life…
clicking the mouse in the dark not really doing anything…
|Antipsychotics are doing this to me.
Off meds: I have so many ideas and creative impulses, that I have to write them all down and sketch thumbnails, so I do not forget them, and I could go for a walk and have 20 new projects for the week!
|This is me right now. I know it’s my antipsychotics. The only possible way out of the dark is to go off my meds.||I see my doctor/practitioner tomorrow. I hope I’ve compiled a convincing debate this past month.|
I’m constantly tweaking my Twentysixteen theme… something to do…
Adam Ruins Everything on College Humor, spelled out that blue used to be feminine, and pink used to mean manly, until Hitler Nazis invented the pink triangle badge, and the colors flipped from the world influence. I’m not really representing anything, other than aesthetic, anyway. Pretties.
I’ve been sleeping like a hibernating bear this week. It’s been cold, which incidentally also makes my apartment 79-85°F because of my neighbors’ generous heating.
My sleep schedule has been out of whack since I started the Abilify shot. It antagonizes/blocks dopamine, and dopamine is what keeps you paralyzed when you sleep. So I’ll be awake for 20-30 hours and sleep 14-18 hours, or else I’ll only be awake 2-6 hours and sleep 2-6 hours all day/night. My circadian rhythm is like a rollercoaster. Also lack of dopamine creates crazy dreams and sleep-walking.
So snow in late May/Spring: that’s kind of cool, literally; I don’t know what else to write about it.
In other news, I finally created a child WordPress theme of Twentysixteen. This is because every time there was a theme update, I had to re-apply all of my HTML/CSS changes. I finally created a theme that won’t reset itself.
My will to live has been on “empty” for about 20 years. It’s a big part of why I’m disabled. The first time I planned suicide was when I was 14 or so, wrote a note and tried to pull a belt around my neck for a few times only until the asphyxiation made me panic for air and I eventually gave up. I don’t even get emotional about it anymore.
I’m not writing this for shock. In all honesty, I want to die, or rather stop existing if it were possible: the wish I was never born, paradox. I’ll admit I’m a big baby, because I can’t handle the burdens of life, but not one person can correctly, philosophically, or even honestly, testify/state an actual point/reason/meaning to life, not even if you have the eugenic level of intellect to launch the Cassini–Huygens satellite to Saturn.
My only purpose in life was to be my parents’ baby, so I’m literally just a grown baby anyway. When you are grown, you are out on your own. This is true, even if you have schizoaffective disorder and a 70% grip on reality, and mood so wild that it’s a disability, like me.
Honestly, I’m not crazy enough to take my own life. I’m a big guy; in my youth I’ve drank toxic levels of hard liquor, and woke up not even hungover because I passed out and vomited it all up. If I tried to overdose like my mom did, at my size, I’d just get very sick and be in torturous pain.
With my luck, if I shot myself in the head with my dad’s rifle, I’d end up like the poor head-wounded patient we all lived with in LRC for 6+ months. He was a war vet, he hobbled around with a walker, and couldn’t speak English.
My “plan?” is to more or less, wait until the US population + economic conditions + civil liberties, get great enough to allow for “Right to die” like in the Netherlands. I predict it’s not too far away. We’ve had abortion for the longest time (which I don’t stand for), and that’s literally taking the life of a child, so next to that: a grown adult, burden on the state, taking his own life, by his own decision, and right, looks like pudding.
I had a surgery in October 2016, that made me realize euthanasia consultation, would be the ultimate best way to commit suicide. I don’t even remember falling asleep and there was no pain.
I wouldn’t really be leaving anyone behind. My brothers have their own families and they take care of themselves. Honestly our lifetime relationship has been nothing, but sitting in front of the TV and/or eating together like zombies. I have no children and never will. I have no friends.
Right now, in all 50 states, you are not allowed to take your own life even if you are terminally ill. I Googled it.
I saw this =>
news photo (recreated for copyright purposes) of a terminally ill cancer victim fighting for her own right to her own euthanasia. It really puts things into perspective though. There are people suffering terminal cancer and I’m just suffering from a verbally diagnosed behavioral illness, and the philosophical pain of awareness. Wow.
Wordy crap articles, because I’ve been too depressed to make art and cool stuff lately.
I’m 33 and the time calculator I wrote confirms, right down to the millisecond.
In other news, I still have so much to backdate pre 2016 into this new WordPress: posts from my old blog and various deleted Tumblrs. Keep an eye out on older posts randomly appearing.
I cut my mop off a few days ago. I cut my own hair like twice a year. I also helped brand my dad’s calves Saturday, which is an all day job of team wrestling the winter calves through a chute and giving them vaccines and stuff. We don’t rope and drag, but I have done that for other ranches back in high school (weekend beer money and FFA labor auction).
My brother gave me sunblock, but unfortunately my head is as red as turkey right now because I’m on Abilify Maintena which is in the class of antipsychotics that cause photosensitivity. They made me take a class on this in Bellevue Telecare because it was during summer.
In my late-20s-early-30s, when all my old friends and so-called family were posting pictures of their babies on Facebook like they were family pets, and everyone caught each-other’s breeder fever from this media phenomena, I went out and got a clay doll at Earl May’s, and carried her home on my back… (April 2016)
My first baby weighed 60 lbs at birth. Suck it!
Your magical pet baby has to live and watch you die and wander the Earth for a 21st century lifespan and this really sucks for your magical pet when he’s not a philosophical zombie like you. (you non-sentient)
I’m a user known as Mogwai on RPG-Maker-Web Forums. (random name I picked out; movie was made the year I was born)
Here is a short list of plugins I made, with screen shot samples.
PushEvents.js (push character/events plugin)
PlayerSelfiesFaceset.js (camera selfies face-set plugin)
CharacterFromGeneratorParts.js (dynamically created character sprites)
Export Messages To Text (.txt) – Saves all game dialogue for mass spellchecking
Drag and Drop Convert RPG Maker VX Ace game t0 RPG Maker MV game – VXA to MV
I’m freaking out right now. I had this when I lived in the city. I thought it was something toxic in the apartment.
So I’m on this involuntary Abilify shot for depression and mood swings. My hands are tingly, my vision is like shaky-cam, and my lungs are being hit by my rapid heart. Last time I was like this was October of 2015. Then, I called a crisis hotline and she just told me to watch TV until it goes away. I started the Abilify shot that month, so I’m pinpointing that as the cause. It feels like when I used to smoke marijuana in 2003 (little kind nugs that look like parade horse poo). That was a thing I never liked, because it was like dying every time, but I had to be a cool, party kid, poser and kept doing it anyway. COLLEGE!
Changing the topic because everyone hates anxiety…
In other news: I’ve got quite a nice little dev portfolio going on; too bad, it’s for a kids’ game making software. Yet, this is the stuff I’ve been working on for the past few months and I’ve never really blogged about it.
https://forums.rpgmakerweb.com/index.php?threads/neat-little-things-ive-discovered.77000/ (I’m the user named Mogwai, not to be confused with the more popular Mog, a guy who writes pro code, and is in the Navy.)
So I’ve compiled a list of all the tutorials and script requests I’ve been doing on the RPG Maker forums. This list doesn’t include my plugin releases, which is something else I need to get on this WordPress.
Luckily my Greasyfork profile has been silent (neither greasy, nor a fork). I’ve seem to have fallen off the grid, so I have more time to work on kiddie codes.
I could blog a Moby Dick novel worth of insight about being forced to take meds / secretly quitting meds, but I think I’ll just explain with pictures.
Here are two pictures of me in the same year (2015). I assure you I am the same person.
This is how I quit smoking. I write “Quit smoking!” on my last cigarette and then I just kind of keep it in a drawer. I purposely left a coffee ring next to it for this blog photo because I wanted to make smoking look as gross as it really is. My table is usually clean.
Putting it on my blog just kind of makes it official, even though I have not one sole reader, putting this fact in writing just kind of makes it more solid of a promise to myself.
When my apartment is a sauna, I need an excuse to stand outside in the snow and not look weird. So, I live in an apartment and my neighbors are old and feeble and they involuntarily heat my apartment generously. I didn’t have to run the heater all winter. This isn’t even one of the cold days; then my apartment gets really warm.
Quitting smoking for me usually means a thing, and it’s illegal for me to do because of my out-patient commitment (force med order), but- by crackers! I have to try again!
Living healthy this past 10 years, usually means going off my meds. The difference can literally be read in the 70-100 lbs difference on the scale.
My Abilify Maintena shot was scheduled on the 15th. I’m not going to get it. I’ve got to explain all this to my prescriber nurse next month. My shot is causing cogwheel dystonia anyway and I can’t live with this arm pain. Cogentin (Benztropine) does not help. I’ve also read that neuroleptic motor side effects can become permanent. My face is doing involuntary goofy looks too. EDIT 4/21/17 : I talked it over with my dad and I’ve decided to get the shot at least this month. I’m going to need to taper off, to quit the shot safely anyway. I really need to discuss it with my prescriber.
I made PacMan in HTML. Something to do I guess.
Like all my HTML games, I used base64 inline files so it’s portable.
It’s also easy to cheat. Here are some cheats using the URL…
level 6 with 15 lives and 9999 points for example.
I deleted my older Flash Pacman because this one is more quality and I don’t have a license for Flash. I also don’t think it’s funny to joke about Pacman popping pills and dying anymore, because things happened in my life since I made that dumb game…
A little about this game:
It’s just another stupid time waster like all my games. Mine is a throwback to the Atari Pacman because the board colors are random. The ghosts are real stupid, but they are also real vicious (go hard or go home). They seem to jump over corners to get you, but I assure you the collision is there in the grid; it just doesn’t look that way because of the CSS3 transitions I animate movement with, and I don’t know how to detect x and y mid-transition.