Lost Weight… Now I’m flabby…

I haven’t taken my involuntary shot since December; went back to exercising and I already lost 50 lbs. I gotta keep this skin flab under wraps. This is truly better for mental health than that nasty shot.

I have an ominous foreboding about cops randomly showing up at my door about my force med order again. I’ve never been in the hospital overweight.

Update:Now I’m carrying around my 60lb rock baby everywhere I go. I gotta get my high school core back.

My New Walk is Found

MY HOMETOWN! (no more Lincoln, Columbus, Fremont, Omaha, etc. walking) I’m back! The old stomping grounds… or something…

The crop circles are irrigation pivots.

The cowboy’d black cattle get spooked when you are near, but those white ones just chill and sit there like horses.

The blurry dot is a rabbit (flip phone camera).

There are no motorized vehicles allowed on this trail, but think about the gravel spreader. It’s a mule, I just found out.

This walk equates to my 15 mile daily walk circumscribing Columbus 2011-2016. (Measured by Google Maps.)

I’m off my involuntary meds again and now I’ve got 70 nueroleptic lbs to burn again.

I about died! Shit! My hometown is dry like a desert and there are no Casey’s General Store every corner to hydrate. I got dizzy and passed out under tree and when I awoke I was walking the wrong way, because I ended up at the cemetery and I visited my mom’s grave, and it was like a sign from above, because there is a pump fountain near mom’s grave and I had to drink from it.

The road ahead!

In 2006 I got a shirt from a walk for charity thing in this town, volunteering at the library. I wore the heck out of it after my parents had me sent to the city. All I’ve done is walk and blog for the past ten years, really.

I saw some alfalfa baling and thought it was hay (I am really out of shape on this! It’s hard to believe that I used to FFA range judge or that I even graduated out here, doing this stuff.). Hay, that’s going to be my job at dad’s in July.

Mountain Dew Flu

I don’t know what to blog.

Mtn. Dew gives me dry heaves. That’s been going on lately.

It’s easier to quit pop off meds. This ^ is my last can. I’m gonna be sick 🙁

I’m not even a sodaholic.

I crave all kinds of sugar and weird crap when my brain is deprived of its natural dopamine and serotonin from Abilify Maintena and other involuntary medications of quackery.

Deficit => Anhedonia => Demand

And this is psychotropically true for things that cause a brain to have dopamine while it’s being antagonized or blocked, taboo things or non.

How do I know this ^ ? I’ve analyzed my dang self for over 14 years of these involuntary meds.

I’m mentally ill, but they treat me like I’m not sentient.

I’m the true scientist on dopamine theory, because I actually take these involuntary psychotropics. The literal hog farmer who invented dopamine theory can tranquilize an angry pig with it, but your psychiatry doctorate is illiterate to what is actually going on. It’s like you only watched the movie and you squeaked-it on the quiz about the book, and that is the origin of your doctorate. That’s a literature test analogy. These doctors who merely see me for only 5 minutes a month and only make small talk, are drug-pushing illiterate Nebraskan Christian quacks.

Off Meds

Photo Post from Nov 23rd 2012.

I didn’t really climb up on the power lines. This was Photoshop. My community support worker Kelly saw it on Facebook and thought it was real; she was like about to have me emergency admitted or something, as if parkour is a symptom of mental illness anyway. I’m glad I deleted my Facebook.

EDIT: May 27th, 2017 – Off Meds again.

Dear Blog,

I’m off my shot right now as I write this and I’m perfectly fine. I’m even a little bit on the bored side, as opposed to the wild positive symptoms that I only experienced over 14 years ago when I was first diagnosed.

November to May, I was only taking a monthly 300 mg. extended Abilify Maintena injection which is actually pretty small for someone my size.

I do know that I’m off meds (the monthly shot), because my prescriber nurse told me it would be out of my system right now. She also refused to taper me off the shot and says I need to get another provider to taper me off it. So now I’m getting another psychiatrist; maybe I’ll get a doctor instead of a nurse this time.

Involuntary psychotropic medication that’s labeled to alter thinking and otherwise makes you sick all the time is tantamount to being assaulted all day, all night.

I assure you there is no stereotypical “I’m feeling well; I don’t need meds.” in my case. If anything, it’s “I feel terrible on meds; I need off them!”

With 33 years experience: I know my brain better than you and better than anyone with a doctorate for treating the uncontrollable mental illness, said doctor who only sees me 5 minutes a month (my brain! mine!). I’ve been off meds for years and a time, and I’ve been fine as long as I avoid my triggers (not addiction triggers) and my therapist Doug says my trigger is my dad and my brothers (in certain amounts). For instance, my dad’s Hoarders/zoo-cage of a house makes me instantly depressed, and the only way to clean it, is to drag it all out to the curb on the once-monthly trash day, or else take it out back and burn it (he’s actually burned more furniture and trash than I ever have out there in the sticks), and he also gets verbally aggressive at me at any random time. My real trigger is coffee and Diet Mtn. Dew, and not sleeping. I will be wise to avoid these things.

I’m a broken vinyl record, but I’m practicing/beautifying a speech I need to get me off meds. Broken records don’t get better and more elegant with repetition.

Dear Blog, “Lactating and Not A Mom” May 13th 2017 (Saturday)

I’m done with Abilify Maintena, Haldol Decanoate, Invega Trinza, Risperdal Consta, because always flubber blubber and depression…This ^ is healthy?
Do you bet your doctorate?!

I’ve known the yo-yo weight since 2006, and it’s always only when on antipsychotics. I also know my natural brain chemistry. I’m not thinking the same on these involuntary psychotropics. I need to take my life back.

My mom was depressed because she drank. I hate alcohol. I’m depressed because I’m forced to take the chemical equivalent, neuroleptic antipsychotic medications. (Google dopamine imbalance theory, invented by a hog farmer)

In the name of all that is scientific and/or holy: PSYCHIATRY IS NOT MEDICINE!

To heck with my body at this point. I just want my mind back. Then my body might come back after some work, with extra flab, same as always. Or else… Or else what? What? That’s what. What? A cartoon? Yes, I’ll make more cartoons.

4/18/17 – Quit Smoking (again)

AKA No more meds (Nth time)

I could blog a Moby Dick novel worth of insight about being forced to take meds / secretly quitting meds, but I think I’ll just explain with pictures.

Here are two pictures of me in the same year (2015). I assure you I am the same person.

This is how I quit smoking. I write “Quit smoking!” on my last cigarette and then I just kind of keep it in a drawer. I purposely left a coffee ring next to it for this blog photo because I wanted to make smoking look as gross as it really is. My table is usually clean.

Putting it on my blog just kind of makes it official, even though I have not one sole reader, putting this fact in writing just kind of makes it more solid of a promise to myself.

I have 3 excuses that I starting smoking again in November.
  1. My involuntary meds make life unbearable.
  2. I was living with my dad again and he smokes like a chimney and in the house too, and when I’m around smoke all the time I get headaches if I don’t also smoke.
  3.  This \/This ^… That’s my apartment temperature right now. Nuff said

When my apartment is a sauna, I need an excuse to stand outside in the snow and not look weird. So, I live in an apartment and my neighbors are old and feeble and they involuntarily heat my apartment generously. I didn’t have to run the heater all winter. This isn’t even one of the cold days; then my apartment gets really warm.

No more meds (Nth time)

Quitting smoking for me usually means a thing, and it’s illegal for me to do because of my out-patient commitment (force med order), but- by crackers! I have to try again!

Living healthy this past 10 years, usually means going off my meds. The difference can literally be read in the 70-100 lbs difference on the scale.

My Abilify Maintena shot was scheduled on the 15th. I’m not going to get it. I’ve got to explain all this to my prescriber nurse next month. My shot is causing cogwheel dystonia anyway and I can’t live with this arm pain. Cogentin (Benztropine) does not help. I’ve also read that neuroleptic motor side effects can become permanent. My face is doing involuntary goofy looks too. EDIT 4/21/17 : I talked it over with my dad and I’ve decided to get the shot at least this month. I’m going to need to taper off, to quit the shot safely anyway. I really need to discuss it with my prescriber.

Got my shot today and I try to write a blog.

This blog reads like it’s written by a person who doesn’t read. Could jakeis.com become a book? That makes sense to me because when I walk into a library I only see a giant catalogue of paper I’m too lazy to look at.

Mania is for writing. The meds don’t want me to write.

BTW, if Tuesday was Pi Day, today is The Stunner day.

Animated Mental Patient Art

I was just in the Catholic mental hospital again over this Thanksgiving for not following my outpatient order. (not taking my involuntary shot) So I did this fractal coloring in arts and crafts group and when I got out I animated it.

I have schizoaffective and a force med outpatient order even though there is no possible real way to pharmaceutically treat thought and behavior in science.

Pride Flag Generators

I stole this idea from Facebook. I on the other hand also made one for the Fourth of July that’s coming up, too.

Patriot Image Generator

Contemplating the 50 Stars

(grade 5)

  • Sliced Vertically – Five Rows of 9
  • Sliced Horizontally – Four Rows of 11
  • add extra 5 and 6 = 50
    (a modulus of 9 and a modulus of 11: to 50)
  •  9/11

Me thinking ^ while positioning the fifty stars with PHP.

source: http://jakeis.com/usa_this_image/?source

Pride Image Generator

source: http://jakeis.com/pride_this_image/?source

I’ve also seen like the trans colors, pansexual, asexual, antigenital, etc., but I don’t think those are needed. The LGBT flag (am  I calling it that right?) covers 4 kinds of pride in the abbreviation and I think just plain calling it the pride flag makes it a blanket term that covers all of those other flags. I mean for example, just with my own sexuality, I’d have to cross a bi flag with an asexual flag and throw in elements of pansexual and aromantic and sprinkle on some internet porn addict stickers (cybersexual, I invented it) and that’s just getting kind of convoluted. You can have pride in whatever it is you do.

Given that topic, I made this thing in ComiPo Manga Maker.

Jacob Jilg‘s Pride Flag

So this is my personal sexual identity flag ^ . 20 more years of working for peanuts, and virginity, and isolation, and philosophical pain of awareness, and it will 100% completely be a white surrender flag.

The gay states are my childhood with two alpha male brothers. The purple to gray black stripes are asexuality. The V is voluntary virginity, similar to V.H.E.M.T. but I don’t care about the environment. I just don’t like life. The stars are all porn stars, big or small (famous and unknown). The question marks are the ultimate question: WHY?

Remain Cool… Don’t Smoke… Don’t Drink… Walk!

4 years of recovery… ready?

When I turned 21 I was over 300lbs of butt-crack, beer, cigarettes, and bipolar meds. I realized I didn’t like any of that stuff anyway.

My babysitter nurse at OUR Homes in Lincoln wouldn’t let me stay home during adult daycare at Southville: the program of sitting on a couch all day and a peanut butter jelly sandwich for lunch.

She said you don’t have to go to daycare, but you can’t stay here. So I walked Lincoln bike trails and sidewalks 5-10 hours a day for 3 years and lost over 100lbs.

I kept the exercise going when I moved back in with my dad in 2010.

Of course he had me sent away (once in 2006 and again in 2010) because exercise is dangerous psychosis and the local Rock County deputy agrees. I hope they stroke out. Knock on wood because my dad won’t quit smoking + smoking inside his dump of a house, but no really, have a coronary you asshats.

July 2007 to April 2010 ^
Forced meds make me start over again.

To be continued at Rainbow Center
July 2011 to April 2016