One

Those things aren’t for safe sex. They never had been. That’s like swimming in a septic tank with a raincoat. Those are for the actual only kind of real “safe” sex, and the only “safe” sex is chronic alone time self pleasure. Go figure. The lubrication in those things? The only aids you can get from this kind of sex is masturbatory aids. I’m going to die a virgin anyway. I like to think that the caveman artist of Lascaux never passed on their genetic heritage, but I will blog about this sentiment later.

I’ve been using these since high school for masturbation (wayback engine plug for freecondoms.com), and my mom confiscated them because I wasn’t “old enough”, so I stained the sheets karma yellow my entire high school years. (she did all the laundry, growing up)

That’s gross, but kinda profound, like go God sacrifice your own son, you know? I wish my parents made me a yellow stain, for just that one and only time, that they instead gave me a life sentence, burden of existence and perpetual pain of awareness, you know, life.

Holding a full load in your tiny epididymis is both pleasurable and painful.

tl;dr – Condoms keep the sheets clean.

I’m a virgin.