My will to live has been on “empty” for about 20 years. It’s a big part of why I’m disabled. The first time I planned suicide was when I was 14 or so, wrote a note and tried to pull a belt around my neck for a few times only until the asphyxiation made me panic for air and I eventually gave up. I don’t even get emotional about it anymore.
I’m not writing this for shock. In all honesty, I want to die, or rather stop existing if it were possible: the wish I was never born, paradox. I’ll admit I’m a big baby, because I can’t handle the burdens of life, but not one person can correctly, philosophically, or even honestly, testify/state an actual point/reason/meaning to life, not even if you have the eugenic level of intellect to launch the Cassini–Huygens satellite to Saturn.
My only purpose in life was to be my parents’ baby, so I’m literally just a grown baby anyway. When you are grown, you are out on your own. This is true, even if you have schizoaffective disorder and a 70% grip on reality, and mood so wild that it’s a disability, like me.
Honestly, I’m not crazy enough to take my own life. I’m a big guy; in my youth I’ve drank toxic levels of hard liquor, and woke up not even hungover because I passed out and vomited it all up. If I tried to overdose like my mom did, at my size, I’d just get very sick and be in torturous pain.
With my luck, if I shot myself in the head with my dad’s rifle, I’d end up like the poor head-wounded patient we all lived with in LRC for 6+ months. He was a war vet, he hobbled around with a walker, and couldn’t speak English.
My “plan?” is to more or less, wait until the US population + economic conditions + civil liberties, get great enough to allow for “Right to die” like in the Netherlands. I predict it’s not too far away. We’ve had abortion for the longest time (which I don’t stand for), and that’s literally taking the life of a child, so next to that: a grown adult, burden on the state, taking his own life, by his own decision, and right, looks like pudding.
I had a surgery in October 2016, that made me realize euthanasia consultation, would be the ultimate best way to commit suicide. I don’t even remember falling asleep and there was no pain.
I wouldn’t really be leaving anyone behind. My brothers have their own families and they take care of themselves. Honestly our lifetime relationship has been nothing, but sitting in front of the TV and/or eating together like zombies. I have no children and never will. I have no friends.
Right now, in all 50 states, you are not allowed to take your own life even if you are terminally ill. I Googled it.
I saw this =>
news photo (recreated for copyright purposes) of a terminally ill cancer victim fighting for her own right to her own euthanasia. It really puts things into perspective though. There are people suffering terminal cancer and I’m just suffering from a verbally diagnosed behavioral illness, and the philosophical pain of awareness. Wow.
Wordy crap articles, because I’ve been too depressed to make art and cool stuff lately.