I took my rock baby to see my mom’s grave on Memorial Day.
I call mom “guardian angel” in the title, because around the time after she died, I was told that I now have my own angel, by my grandma, who since is also now in heaven. Grandma also gave me an angel pin to remind me of this, and I wore it all the time, until it broke, but sure enough she gave me another one to replace it. It looks like Icarus. Rock!
Last night I had a dream that it was my birthday (I just turned 33 this month) and mom was there, but it was like she never had died. I wasn’t shocked to see her and I didn’t even remember her dying. She was taking pictures of me with a cake.
She died in 2009. I finally cried for the first time in 2012 and it went on for days. I can’t really describe the feeling before 2012. Now in 2017, I might be at acceptance. (though I mustered up a tear typing this)
Just taking some more portraits of my little rock girl. I think she’s a mythical clay golem, because it appears that she built a fort. So I have to do the daddy thing and snap some photos of my baby. If this sounds or looks weird: I have a doll for this, and you probably gave birth to real human kids simply for the same kind of showboating. I think that’s weird. My baby doesn’t even have to watch me die, because she’s an artificial parody of what everyone else in my generation is doing, and my baby is only to be ironic.
Her name is Hauvu. I named her after my roommate who didn’t speak English. I’m shy, and he didn’t know English so we didn’t have to talk. She looks like him too. I gave her the name the day I carried her home from Earl May’s.
sitting at the computer…
because it’s the only major thrill in my life…
clicking the mouse in the dark not really doing anything…
Antipsychotics are doing this to me.
Off meds: I have so many ideas and creative impulses, that I have to write them all down and sketch thumbnails, so I do not forget them, and I could go for a walk and have 20 new projects for the week!
This is me right now. I know it’s my antipsychotics. The only possible way out of the dark is to go off my meds.
I see my doctor/practitioner tomorrow. I hope I’ve compiled a convincing debate this past month.
On a more positive note…
I’m constantly tweaking my Twentysixteen theme… something to do…
Adam Ruins Everything on College Humor, spelled out that blue used to be feminine, and pink used to mean manly, until Hitler Nazis invented the pink triangle badge, and the colors flipped from the world influence. I’m not really representing anything, other than aesthetic, anyway. Pretties.
The famous bipolar weather of Nebraska. Snow for May 20th, 2017. That’s the news! (something to blog about)
I’ve been sleeping like a hibernating bear this week. It’s been cold, which incidentally also makes my apartment 79-85°F because of my neighbors’ generous heating.
My sleep schedule has been out of whack since I started the Abilify shot. It antagonizes/blocks dopamine, and dopamine is what keeps you paralyzed when you sleep. So I’ll be awake for 20-30 hours and sleep 14-18 hours, or else I’ll only be awake 2-6 hours and sleep 2-6 hours all day/night. My circadian rhythm is like a rollercoaster. Also lack of dopamine creates crazy dreams and sleep-walking.
So snow in late May/Spring: that’s kind of cool, literally; I don’t know what else to write about it.
In other news, I finally created a child WordPress theme of Twentysixteen. This is because every time there was a theme update, I had to re-apply all of my HTML/CSS changes. I finally created a theme that won’t reset itself.
I cut my mop off a few days ago. I cut my own hair like twice a year. I also helped brand my dad’s calves Saturday, which is an all day job of team wrestling the winter calves through a chute and giving them vaccines and stuff. We don’t rope and drag, but I have done that for other ranches back in high school (weekend beer money and FFA labor auction).
My brother gave me sunblock, but unfortunately my head is as red as turkey right now because I’m on Abilify Maintena which is in the class of antipsychotics that cause photosensitivity. They made me take a class on this in Bellevue Telecare because it was during summer.
In my late-20s-early-30s, when all my old friends and so-called family were posting pictures of their babies on Facebook like they were family pets, and everyone caught each-other’s breeder fever from this media phenomena, I went out and got a clay doll at Earl May’s, and carried her home on my back… (April 2016)
My first baby weighed 60 lbs at birth. Suck it!
Seriously though, I have 5 nephews and like 14 second cousins or something now, all in the past 3 years. Dress up a cat or something.
Your magical pet baby has to live and watch you die and wander the Earth for a 21st century lifespan and this really sucks for your magical pet when he’s not a philosophical zombie like you. (you non-sentient)
I’m freaking out right now. I had this when I lived in the city. I thought it was something toxic in the apartment.
So I’m on this involuntary Abilify shot for depression and mood swings. My hands are tingly, my vision is like shaky-cam, and my lungs are being hit by my rapid heart. Last time I was like this was October of 2015. Then, I called a crisis hotline and she just told me to watch TV until it goes away. I started the Abilify shot that month, so I’m pinpointing that as the cause. It feels like when I used to smoke marijuana in 2003 (little kind nugs that look like parade horse poo). That was a thing I never liked, because it was like dying every time, but I had to be a cool, party kid, poser and kept doing it anyway. COLLEGE!
Changing the topic because everyone hates anxiety…
In other news: I’ve got quite a nice little dev portfolio going on; too bad, it’s for a kids’ game making software. Yet, this is the stuff I’ve been working on for the past few months and I’ve never really blogged about it.
So I’ve compiled a list of all the tutorials and script requests I’ve been doing on the RPG Maker forums. This list doesn’t include my plugin releases, which is something else I need to get on this WordPress.
Luckily my Greasyfork profile has been silent (neither greasy, nor a fork). I’ve seem to have fallen off the grid, so I have more time to work on kiddie codes.